Monday, January 9, 2012
Am I bipolar or just anxious and frustrated?
Okay, about four years ago I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders (obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder). It's been a bumpy few years, and the anxiety has definitely shown itself in my grades (I still managed to pull of a combined average of an 89 for freshman and sopre year, but that's not exactly what I want). However, I would say I'm above average intelligence. I am going to use the example of one day to try and help you determine what is wrong with me. I woke up today at around 6:00 AM, weighed myself to make sure I hadn't gained any weight, went into the kitchen, ate two fiber bars, wrote down the calories on a piece of paper (as I do every day), and then went back to sleep. I woke up maybe an hour later and ate two more fiber bars (I don't know, I really like them), wrote down the calories, and went back to sleep. I finally got out of bed at around eleven, although I woke up several times during that four hour period. It's difficult for me to stay asleep on account of my anxiety. I'm not particularly anxious about anything, I'm just anxious. When I got up, I started to read a book I had taken out of the library called The Imp of the Mind, which is about the thinking aspect of OCD. Many times I had to go back and make sure I had read things correctly, otherwise I would've felt intense anxiety. After I read a chapter, I ate some more and wrote down the calories. I then started working on a summer AP ignment for European history, which requires me to read selections from a book. Again I had to keep going back and re-reading things if I felt I had made a mistake in the pronunciation of the word I was hearing in my head or misunderstood what I was reading. I did that, then ate some more, wrote and down, and watched TV for a few minutes. Then my parents got home. My dad had been trying to fix my computer for me, and felt that I should come with him to see the guy who was helping him. He said it like I was a bad person for not coming with him and making him do all the work. I said,"Yeah, because I'm such a ******* bad person, right?". He paused for a minute, then said,"You know what? Forget it, we'll do it tomorrow or the next day." This made me pout a little bit on the staircase, insisting that my response was an anxious outburst and because I felt like he was accusing me of being lazy or bad when I reality I didn't want to go because of my social anxiety. I felt like he didn't understand this. My mom tried to calm me down, but I got really frustrated and just shouted,"****!". My dad got mad, saying we had neighbors. Eventually I decided that I didn't want my computer fixed because it would just cause me to not focus on my schoolwork, so I got my mom to bring me to the library. We sat in the car, ready to leave, but she kept trying to talk to me because she felt I was "in the wrong place" or something like that. I got sick of her talking and said,"Just drive me, don't feed me your Christian nonsense." I then hopped out of the car and began to walk to the library, and she walked back in the house. I then turned around and yelled at her,"Just drive me!" Eventually I got driven, and now I'm here. What the hell is wrong with me?
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